Subtle but Deadly

What made me vulnerable to coercive control.

You would think that by now, I would know better.

How could I have succumbed to the lies and promises that were never going to be kept? Why did I defend the behaviour when at least a part of me knew that it was not right? How did I fall for the gestures of love and respect when I could see they were offered only under certain conditions ?

I was drawn into a world of deception and control and found myself part of a grand plan. It was a slow burn, subtle but deadly. Why did this happen to me?

Why did this happen to me?

Because I always want to be the ‘good girl”, trying to please all people at all times. I need to be loved and love to be needed. I am truly loyal and get taken in easily by those with different moral codes.

I am not driven by money, but money is often the driver behind manipulative behaviour. I believe the best in people and find myself gullible to bullies. This is a pattern I have experienced since I was eight years old.

I watched all parts of the drama triangle play out . Not only that, I played a major role in the performance.

I watched all parts of the drama triangle play out . Not only that, I played a major role in the performance.

Moving from:

being the unknowing “victim”, by being willing to be “rescued” when help was offered.


becoming the “rescuer” myself as the roles change. The “victim” had “no- one else but you Gill”.

and ultimately,

becoming the true “victim” being manipulated by the ultimate “persecutor”.

I am writing this on mental health awareness day because the upshot of this experience was a descent into a bout of depression, low self-worth, weight gain, poor sleep and loss of identity. This has happened to me three times in my life, and each time it has been when I have done the “right” thing and been let down in a big way by a person I trusted. Loyalty for me is a big issue, but not everyone feels the same.

There is a lesson here that I have finally learned. It has showed up enough times for me to take notice of and to do the work needed to become aware of my patterns and susceptibilities.

It took me a few months to regain my confidence and spirit. Most were unaware of my turmoil. Some I trusted with my vulnerability and I thank them and those souls who listened to me and forgave the decisions and actions I took “under the influence” of this control.

Everyday is a school day!

I have a better sense now of how to protect myself in the future. Everyday is a school day! So, in a way I have to say thank you to my rescuer/victim/persecutor for being my teacher. I am a reflection of all that comes my way and as such have embraced this part of the journey.

We all have hidden parts of ourselves. You may know people like me that are hiding a dark secret and need your help. Make yourself available, without judgement, just love.

If, like me, you make a mistake, I believe there is nothing to be shameful of as long as your intentions are good.

Gill is an international award winning speaker, author, broadcast presenter, Pilates teacher, nutritional expert and advocate for self–care.

Combining her experience in the conventional healthcare field with lifestyle and functional medicine, Gill is an expert in providing holistic solutions for the prevention and reversal of disease. Her interventions align with her ideal of building health rather than treating symptoms. She specializes in addressing the major health trends of the 21st century and is passionate about supporting others to spread this message worldwide; creating global transformation

Gill studied music as her first degree before qualifying as a Registered General Nurse (RGN) in the UK. She has been studying functional medicine for the past 7 years and her transformational work has been recognised with a Doctorate Honoris Causa from the AUGP (Academy of Universal Global Peace) A Peace Award from the UPF (Universal Peace Federation) and she is a member of the ATL (Association of Transformational Leaders) Europe and the WAoFP (Worldwide Association of Female Professionals)

Connect with her here:

Twitter Facebook Linkedin Instagram